These are my confessions…

I have to admit something that still makes me cringe when I say it out loud. I used to be desperate for love. Like, the type of desperate that had me imagining wedding colors and playlists after the first date. The type of desperate that had me believing every connection was “the one.” It is embarrassing to think about now, but I also know I am not the only one who has been there.

When they said “I got hoes in different area codes,” yeah… that was me. I was the original pimp mama. I laugh at it now because, looking back, I had a whole lineup and somehow still managed to catch feelings like clockwork. I would fall so deep for someone and in my head, I was already halfway down the aisle.

Learning about my autism changed a lot for me. It helped me recognize patterns, blind spots, and the way I attached myself to people so quickly. It gave me the awareness to step back and ask, “Wait, is this real or am I just running a whole fantasy in my head?” That self-awareness has been a game changer.

But if I am being honest, the last guy I dated pushed me completely over the edge. That was the moment I decided I was done with dating and done with wanting love from a man. It wasn’t just him—it was the pattern of men I kept attracting. There had to be something in me that was drawn to their elusiveness, their love bombing, and their lying asses. Now, when I look back, I almost feel disgusted with myself and with men in general.

At one point, I even started saying wild things to men just to see if it would push them away. One man tried to talk to me and I told him I was a gold digger, hoping he would leave me alone. His response? “Oh I like that.” Mind you, he looked like he had just put $5 in his gas tank because the light came on. Another man I told I was a witch, and he said, “Ooooh, can you do some spells for me?” I have told men I was toxic, I have said everything under the sun, and honestly… nothing keeps them away.

And here’s the funny part. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I learned that female dolphins have multiple partners. That’s a baddie right there, pooh. Even nature has its own pimp mamas.

One thing I have noticed is that men do not approach me the same way in other countries as they do in the United States. I do not get hassled the same way, which has been a relief. Although to be fair, I have always been the one to approach men abroad anyway. Except this one time in Mexico, when I was on spring break my freshman year. I was walking to get pizza and a group of men started whistling from a building they were working on. They yelled out, “Ooooh we love brown sugar!” I remember walking faster, but also laughing internally at how ridiculous it was.

These days, I am much more intentional. I am not chasing love, I am not desperate for it, and honestly, I am abstinent. I have no desire to “do the do” anymore. Call it growth or call it fear of pregnancy in this wild time we are living in, but either way, I am good.

My past was wild, and I can laugh at it now. But more than anything, I am grateful that I have grown into someone who no longer needs to search for love in every face I meet. Love finds me where I am, and I am finally okay with that.

So let me ask you—have you ever gotten to the point where you looked back at the patterns you kept repeating in love and thought, “Yeah, I am done with this”? What was your breaking point? I would love to hear your story in the comments.